To Her

Mayo 13, 2012

I am conceited.

This is something I have always been aware of. I have gotten used to the idea that I am someone worthy of something, that I am as valuable to the life of the people around me as their own dreams and hopes. There was even a time when I successfully convinced myself that people around me will never function well if I am missing. I was never a leader, but I make sure that I would have the final say in everything. I never got contented with others’ works. Mine were the standards they have to meet, and almost every time, I make them conform to it.

I know I have helped a lot of people in the past. This just further aggravated how I view myself as that superhero clad in his red cape, tight-fitting blue overalls with that S -mark on his chest – ready to save the day the moment the villains start turning up.

I thought of myself as someone who should be treated like a superhero: worthy of all the praise, deserving of all the attention, and privileged of getting whatever my heart desires.

I believe I was THAT great. I have always thought I was THAT important. And to top it all,Β I had believed I would be a success all throughout. Until this happened.

This would really come off as cocky, but after the things I wrote above, I think it would no longer matter.

I am not familiar with the idea of losing. I have had minor setbacks in the past and I was able to deal with all of them. I have always been strong, and I never let my emotions get the better of me. I think I was a born winner, nothing can get me down.

But I am beginning to feel that what I am facing this time is something that is too difficult to handle. Because it involves you.

What you and I once had is slowly coming to a conclusion, but much to my regret, this is not I had imagined things to end for us.

I have the least intention to sound bitter, but even if I do sound like it, I think I have every reason to. I invested 5 years of my life on you – my time, my efforts, my emotions, as if that’s not long enough, with a hope that you will be reciprocating even just a tenth of what I am giving you. I know I had made mistakes in the past, and I am guilty of those times when you felt like I am ignoring you but I swear I did all I can possibly can to make up for them. That was how much I value what we have. And I was hoping you could at least see that.

We’re nearing the end, I’m afraid. As soon as you break that silence of yours, it would all be over. I am sure of that. You know I’d accept whatever comes out of this. You know I had always been like that, I was never the one to protest. But let me just tell you that this won’t be easy for me. This is yet the toughest storm I would have to weather. I might not shed a tear, not even a single one which is most likely to happen, but that shouldn’t give you the impression that I am not affected.

After all, I just want you to find your happiness. Even if that means I would have to let a piece of myself go with you on that journey, no matter how painful it would be for me.

Yes, you have to find your happiness, even if that means you wouldn’t be sharing that happiness with me.

 

 

 

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9 Tugon to “To Her”

  1. zezil Says:

    Oh.
    (virtual pat on your back)


  2. I so can relate to this post. Sighs.

  3. ljsdeleon Says:

    Nararamdaman kita. :I


  4. hala, they say that it takes only one instance of love to set a man down on the ground, to make him realize his place on earth – a mere mortal! he is but full of ambition and empty talks and heaps of foolishness. but lo! he has loved, he has loved… ^^

    hello, when you’ve the time, bother to read my take on the matter, haha – http://35andupcynicismonhold.wordpress.com/2011/12/25/
    when-love-comes-a-knockin/

    hey, over time, the heart endures and it manages to open up anew. it maybe too early to tell you that (I don’t know you ^^ ) but someday, somehow, when the heart has had its fill of sorrow and has emptied its core of bitterness and longing, it will smile again and greet the world with cheer. ^^

    write away your woes in the meantime. it’s little consolation but hey, we will read! and listen πŸ˜‰


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